


Sans makes a move.

by Bad_Dreems



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Cartoon Physics, Disasters, F/M, Flashbacks, Happy Days - Freeform, Happy Ending, Humor, Intuitive Magic Theory, One Shot, Pie, Post Fix, Post-Undertale Pacifist Route, Shipping, Silly, Sitcom like, soriel?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:34:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24576892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bad_Dreems/pseuds/Bad_Dreems
Summary: They're just friends, I swear!What happens when Sans has other plans?Asgore get involved and it gets MESSY!
Kudos: 10





	Sans makes a move.

**Author's Note:**

> Go Here if you would like to listen to the spectacular NARRATION of this silly story by Coram Deo  
> (Filmed before a live studio audience)
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhDi4xYkB4w 
> 
> Seriously though, this made me so happy to see.  
> A million thanks.

Toriel Dreemurr had been in her bedroom for nearly half an hour when a couple of knocks found their way to her door. A little voice followed behind them. 

“Mom? Is everything okay in there?” 

She woke up completely at the spoken request and called back through the door.

“Y-yes my child! Mommy will be right out!”

A bout of panic ran into the boss monster, she had lost track of how long she had been sitting here and now she had no choice but to leave her little ‘hiding place’. Toriel strolled to her bedroom door and opened it before one awaiting Asriel. He looked up to her grand stature and was taken aback with his eyes widening.

“Woww, you look really _nice.”_

Toriel felt her face turning all kinds of red. 

* * *

  
  
  


Context time: here they stood, six months after the prince was returned to the underground and the queen decided to re-enter the world beyond her home. Six long and _trying_ months of uncomfortable conversations with feelings of guilt growing beneath everything. Existing became a bit of a difficult thing for Toriel and was especially taxing on her dear son early on. It wasn’t all bad though: while the barrier was still in place, the plan to break it and start another war with humanity was ultimately put away. A less violent plan utilizing what they already had was also blooming alongside more progressive movements. Things _were_ getting better, it was just slow going and very exhausting. 

Not being alone made everything so much better even if Toriel still wasn’t used to it. It was still a surprise to wake up in the morning and see Asriel in his bed, his mother still wasn’t convinced this was all terribly real. The surreal feeling sure wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Again, it was going to be a long time before everything really calmed down both in and outside of her. Luckily for her: she had her best friend, Sans. 

Sans had kept Toriel sane(ish) before she even knew his name, when he was nothing more than a voice behind a door that shared her affinity for (frankly terrible) jokes. Sans did more than make Toriel laugh in those dark times and he was doing so _so_ much more for her _now._ To say he basically (Under)grounded Toriel was an understatement not to be undermined by his hobby of pulling pranks on her. Please understand that Toriel loved it just as much as her friendship with him and almost as much as her newly re-requited love for her son. Really, when it came to monsters she held near and so _very_ dear to her: Toriel had Asriel and Toriel had Sans, nobody else… OK, OK: that’s not exactly true but- _we’ll get to that,_ **_OK?_ **

Anywho, one such thing that Sans did for his friend was remind her that she was allowed to relax. What better way to enlighten her on that than to _finally_ get to her to agree to join him on one of his long ‘ _breaks’?_ For just a little while there would be no responsibilities or things to worry about: Just he, her and his favorite place: _Grillby’s_ of course!   
  


And that brings us back to where we are _now._ Toriel had been affixed to a mirror in her bedroom, being _very_ out of practice in working on her appearance for other persons besides human children. She had thoroughly brushed herself smooth and fastened a neat little pendent of hers around her neck and… for tonight, Toriel would not be leaving her bedroom in her normal ‘purple and whites’ (Her robe) but instead she would put on a pretty blue sweater with a long and comfortable white skirt (Including a hole in the back for her tail to poke out and ‘breathe’). The queen was _not_ going to be the one meeting Sans at the establishment, just Toriel. _No_ ‘official business’ or ‘sidetracks’ it was just going to be a night out. It was going to be _fine_ and she really needed this. 

When Toriel looked down to her son, she couldn’t help but lift him up and squeeze him real tightly. Ever since Asriel came back, Toriel would be holding him more often than _not_ (eventually he wouldn’t be all too thrilled about this as far as smothering went), and here she was about to **_leave him_ **for the first time. 

“Are you _sure_ you will be alright with me gone, sweetie? Because I can stay home if you need me to. It is not too late.”

Asriel squirmed uncomfortably. 

“I’ll be _fine,_ mom. Really, _really!_ You’re not even going that far away! You’re gonna be late if you stay any longer.”

This prompted her to put him down, but not before planting a kiss to his cheek.

“I will leave once your babysitter arrives and I let him know where to find everything.”

A small frown found itself on the smaller monster’s face.

“You mean it's not dad coming over?” 

That wasn’t what she intended to mean even if it was true.

“Well. This was-”

Toriel hesitated.

“- this was easier to _arrange_ in the end.”

Asriel only frowned more, turning his expression into a sulk.

“You just didn’t want to _talk_ to him again, didn’t you…?”

Luckily, this seemed to be the cue for the actual babysitter to arrive: he made his presence known very well before he even clambered up the basement stairs.

“I HAVE ARRIVED PRECISELY PUNCTUALLY PROMPTLY, YOUR MAJESTY. ROYAL BABYSITTER REPORTING FOR DUTY!”

Well… it was pretty hard to feel dour when Papyrus showed up. Toriel would greet him with the same color of red seeping into her face. 

“Now, Papyrus. Do you remember what we discussed the other day?”

She asked sheepishly.

The skeleton made it obvious that he had _not_ until she just mentioned it. 

“OH! WHY I HAVE.”

And he quite literally backed up, stomping down the stairs without turning around and he kept this up until his footsteps could no longer be heard. Only _then_ did Papyrus restart his proud little march, waiting until he reached the top step to announce that:

“I HAVE ARRIVED A LITTLE BIT LESS PRECISELY PUNCTUALLY PROMPTLY, **_MRS BOSS LADY._ **ROYAL BABYSITTER REPORTING FOR DUTY!”

That wasn’t exactly what she wanted but it was close enough and Toriel appreciated the effort Papyrus went through. She didn’t feel she fit being a ‘queen’ or even a smidgen of _royalty._ Toriel could’ve gone without being seen as one and she certainly had no intention of wearing the crown anymore. Papyrus though, had a much different feeling about it. 

Unfortunately for him, as of late: the Royal guard he aspired so much to join really wasn’t really a _‘thing’_ anymore, it was ornamental at best now. Instead of granting him a wish to be part of a defunct organization, Papyrus was offered a role that protected something perhaps ‘just as valuable’ as the entire kingdom. Thus, the royal babysitter came to be. With his promotion, Papyrus was awarded a brand new bright purple cape for his valiant outfit, the delta rune on it was massive and bold like his intentions. Even though this wasn’t exactly what he planned before… Papyrus loved every minute of it and Asriel seemed quite fond of him too. 

“-and I have already prepared dinner for you two, it is on the stove with an enchantment to keep it hot.”

Toriel finished everything she wanted to tell Papyrus (Who confirmed to her with a salute) before she crouched down to her son for one last time. 

“If _anything_ occurs, you know how to call me, right?”

“ _Moom-”_

Asriel rolled his eyes.

“-if anything happened, I think Papyrus would get to you faster than I could even press a button on the phone.”

Oh yeah, Papyrus was capable of being humbled.

“WELL… PERHAPS NOT _THAT_ FAST BUT I COULD BE THERE BEFORE _HALF_ YOUR NUMBER IS DIALED… BUT REST AND BE ASSURED MRS BOSS LADY, WE WILL HAVE _GREAT_ TIME AND WE WILL HAVE ALL THE FUN PERMITTED WITHIN YOUR STANDARDS!” 

Even though Toriel could never stay away from her worries, she just had to smile. 

“ _Thank_ you, Papyrus.” 

One final glance back to Asriel before Toriel strolled out to her night? 

“Bye. I love you very much, sweetie. Try not to stay up too late.”

“Have fun, mom…”

Toriel descended the stairs and made her way to the _open_ doors. Now she was supposed to meet sans at the establishment, which meant she would have to do quite a bit of walking through the forest to get there. However, Toriel would be greeted with the sight of her friend as he was leaning against the sizable doorway in the snow.

“Sans? What are you doing all of the way out here? Were we not going to meet at the restaurant?”

“i figured i’d walk you there, don’t worry old lady- it was snow problem at all, i took one of my shortcuts.”

That got an amused snort from her, Toriel expected nothing less from him. What she did _not_ expect was to see that sans had actually done himself in a different outfit _too._ He had a denim jacket that he actually cared to button closed and brown pants that actually reached his ankles. But the _really_ surprising thing was that he was wearing _shoes_ with them. To say Toriel was impressed would be an understatement.

“ _Wow._ Look at _you!_ I certainly hope you did not go through all of this trouble just for _me!”_

“nahh it’s all good. i normally don’t think much about how i look but when i thought about spending this night with ya? case clothed.”

She giggled.

“though, i was thinkin of puttin on _socks_ for once but well… i got cold feet.”

Toriel was already snickering, these were redundant at best now, but Sans saved up all this material for her. 

“its not perfect though, i did have some is-shoes with gettin ready for tonight, i found out that one of my sneakers here? it just wasn’t _right._ and i’ll admit, when i found this out, i got so frustrated: i think i need some hanger management.”

Yeah… _Oh,_ so that’s what the coat hanger was for. Toriel found she had to support herself on the frame too, with how hard she was laughing. When she was capable of speaking again, Toriel would finally retort with one of her brows going as high as it could.

“I see you have come here just to ‘ _denim-strate’_ your clothes-minded jokes to me. Where have you found your material? A fabrics store perhaps?”

“actually, i got this coat off of the under-net. I _down_ loaded it!”

Honestly, they could’ve kept this up all night if Sans didn’t have the good notion to stop and remind them of their plans. To make up for the bit of lost time, he would show Toriel one of his shortcuts to get back into Snowdin. On their way there though,

“i gotta say, you’re lookin really nice too. im glad you decided not to bring a blazer, you’re already _hot_ enough as it is.” 

“... _Oh.”_

That one didn’t turn out as funny as the rest did, he even winked at her. But… whatever, before she could say anything: they were standing in front of Grillby’s. He held the door open for her and Toriel would find herself standing in it for longer than anticipated. 

There were… a decent amount of people inside already. She could recognize a few of them but the problem was that they all could recognize _her_ and Toriel wasn’t all too comfortable with public spaces. She made a big effort to _not_ be the queen tonight but was concerned nobody else would see that. Sans would have to nudge and guide her to the only empty booth in the establishment, removing the ‘Reserved’ sign from it as they sat down. For a simple ‘break’ this had a lot more thought on Sans’s side.

She felt awkward here. Toriel tried to cram herself as far as she could go against the wall, she considered leaning forward but there would be nothing she could do to keep her horns from poking up from the booth. There really was no hiding when you were this big. 

  
  


Sans noticed her intent.

“huh. i didn’t realize I was pulling you out of a bracing game of hide n _seek.”_

“Forgive me-”

Toriel sighed and leaned her head onto her claws. She dampened her voice even further, to a barely audible whisper directed to Sans.

“-are they looking at me?”

“what’s that?” 

She didn’t say who, but gestured to the majority of the room behind her seat. 

“oh. _nahh-_ everyone’s minding their own business- _speaking of which.”_

He whistled and waved to his friend behind the counter, Grillby would be coming around for their order soon. In the meantime, Sans wasn’t done addressing Toriel’s anxiety. 

“listen old lady, you gotta _relax._ this’s s’posed to be your _break._ i get that you worry about everyone but you gotta take it easy once in a while.”

“I know, I _know-”_

Toriel squirmed all around in her seat before finding a new (and frankly uncomfortable) way to contort herself in the booth. 

“-I just- after hiding for so long, the last thing I would imagine everybody would think is that I deserve _more_ rest. I just feel like my presence here will upset some.” 

Sans _easily_ could have expressed how ridiculous that sounded or how much that little thought proved Toriel _actually_ needed to take this break unlike he usually did. Instead, he started toying with the complimentary condiments on the table.

“if you keep **_a-salt-ing_ ** yourself like that. i’ll have no choice but to **_pepper_ ** you with puns until you stop being **_a-pesto_ ** to you. you just **_mayo_ **not be able to handle it.”

_There_ was that smile. Toriel could never keep a dour or a straight face when it came to bad jokes. 

“Well-”

She finally said on an amused huff while reaching for one bottle on the table.

“-at **_yeast_ ** I get to spend some **_thyme_ ** with a friend I **_relish_ **.”

They shared a modest chuckle with each other.

“a-heh. i haven’t heard that one before, is that an **_oregano_ **one?”

Toriel giggled some more, the pressing doubt she came in with was no longer present.

“ _Thank you,_ Sans. I really do not know what I would do without you.”

She looked at her friend warmly into his ‘eyes’ and he gazed into hers. They would both feel a strange ‘warm’ sensation that lingered even as they questioned it. Now there was only one thing that could’ve meant.

…

It meant that Grillby was ready to take their order, he was standing right by the booth holding a notepad of fire resistant paper. 

“heh, good timing, things were just about to get interesting.”

He glanced to Toriel and winked at her before derailing the subject again. 

“alright now check this out, this is cool- do it, grills.”

No sooner did he say that and Toriel raised a brow suspiciously did the bartender tap the table with a fiery finger. No sooner did _that_ happen, did the flames spread through the table in an instant. 

“Oh my!” 

Toriel lurched backwards in her seat to the flames, she was high about to do something about it when Sans piped up.

“cool your jets there, tori. it’s all good. look at this.”

What she would see would be that the flames spread in a very specific pattern: content to stop once they finished forming a whole bunch of words that shifted in color, going through the spectrum of glows that fire could produce: listing the names of foods and drinks while prices sat beside them. It took the boss monster a minute to figure out what it meant.

“This is the _menu?”_

Sans snickered at her wonderment, and leaned back in his seat.

“pretty cool, huh? but that’s not the best part-”

To Grillby.

“-show her.”

The fire elemental leaned over and swiped the edge of the menu as if turning a page. And like a book containing such a page, all the burning words changed and reorganized themselves to spell out a new list of different entries. They made it very clear too that there were more ‘pages’ to go. Grillby wouldn’t stop progressing until all the flames turned a bright _green_ color.

“this is the new ‘healthy choices’ menu, everything here is _loaded_ with greens.”

Sans gestured to the top of the menu, which rotated itself depending on who was looking at it: he looked and pointed at a picture of a winking vegetoid monster with the caption

- _Be sure to eat your greens!_

“ever since you helped us reconnect with the vegetoids, we’ve expanded the menu here, _big_ time. this part here was a compromise. once they saw the dessert menu…”

The flames took on a grand purple color, and the words started to look familiar to Toriel.

“Are these… my recipes?” 

“yep, and they’ve been a massive hit too. you got monsters coming in here and skipping straight to the pies. all thanks to _you.”_

“ **_Me??”_ **

Toriel perked up and said that as if she didn’t share her recipes with everyone. 

“yep, what i’m tryin to show you is: you’ve made life here just a little bit sweeter for everyone. and that’s something for you to be happy about for yourself, am i right?”

Sans again turned his head to the fire monster standing beside them for affirmation. Grillby would just nod respectfully. Even further: a couple of patrons who were within earshot (some still working on their pie slices) decided to show their appreciation too. It resulted in the entire restaurant erupting into applause with a couple of cheers for Toriel. 

She tried to hide, she tried to cover up the red on her face with her equally red ears, she tried to slink underneath the table but there was no escaping this. In the midst of it all, Sans was further teasing her.

“i’ve never seen you turn _that_ color before, you look like you’re trying to blend with the ketchup bottle.”

Toriel had to ignore the world of embarrassment around her to glare daggers into Sans.

“You _planned_ this to happen, _Sans._ ”

She snorted assertively and criss-crossed her arms. This had Sans written all over it, he was always trying to make her feel good about herself and this was his most **bold** attempt yet! Inviting her out here just to spend the night talking about all of her accomplishments when she wanted to sulk for the rest of her life, how _audacious!_ She expected to be jeered or silently sulked upon by all the monsters in here: and they were _cheering_ for her? _That’s_ not what they were supposed to do! (But it was really nice that they weren’t!)

Sans just played with the ketchup and held the bottle up into the air. He raised his voice so everybody inside could hear him, much to Toriel’s new horror.

“i just wanted you to **_ketch-up_ **with everything, that’s all!”

Half of the bar erupted into laughter, the other half sank into low groans: offended by the terrible pun. Toriel made a low squeaky noise as she burrowed her head into her claws. 

“This could _not_ become any worse.”

She didn’t _have_ to say that out loud, but Toriel was unfamiliar with what usually happens following someone saying that… But that certainly didn’t mean she wasn’t going to be **_punished_ **for it.

* * *

The front door opened with a loud _slam._

“ _Hey._ You, **_bone.head!_ **Get away from my lady!”

Toriel felt herself turn to stone inside. The color on her face disappeared _immediately_ as her eyes became larger than the many plates around the room. The patrons themselves went dead silent. The stage was perfectly set for her to _slowly_ peek out from the booth, getting a good and plentiful look at the monster who just showed up. 

“Oh.. _my_ … **_stars_** _…”_

The voice was a dead giveaway for her, but she had to _see_ this to believe it. **It was Asgore.** It would’ve already been _bad_ enough to have her ex(?) husband standing there, but he had just barged into the restaurant in the last kind of getup she would ever imagine he’d wear.

He had a black leather jacket that looked like it was squeezing the life out of him, he hid that fact with a pair of cool-guy shades that didn’t fit around his head… so he taped them to his face. His _hair…_ or that mane that he called his hair… it looked like he had slathered it in grease and pulled it all back, there was a yellow spike coming out the back of his head! And his _pants,_ a pair of jeans that’d need a crowbar to be pried off of him with a heap of metal chains sticking out of the tighter than ‘tight’ pockets. 

Saying Asgore looked ‘absolutely unquestionably **_RIDICULOUS’_ ** would be so far from the truth that it’d be simply _wrong!_ And _then_ he made out Toriel and started ‘walking’ to the booth. By ‘walking’ it looked like Asgore was playing a game of limbo and doing hilariously bad at it, at _that._ He strolled in with _such_ a swagger, it was like a creature from Toriel’s nightmare approaching her. 

“I must be _dreaming_ right now.”

She questioned if she would be able to get up and dive out of the window, just like Papyrus showed her. The temptation to do so grew with every second. Everybody watched nary a word to say but with mouths hanging to the floor as Asgore took a detour and absurdly swaggered over to the jukebox. Then, for _no_ reason at all: he stepped up to it and _punched_ it right in the glass. It was already fairly broken before his intervention, and now it only became _more_ broken. He fiddled with it some more before giving up and completing his circuit for the horrified lady in the booth.

Toriel got a real good look at him while Grillby stepped aside.

‘I am _dreaming._ This can not be real’.

Asgore stared at sans for a second and then whipped his head to Toriel, wearing such a sneer. And the cherry on top of this? 

“ _Sup…”_

He ripped the sunglasses off his face. (Taking a small patch of fur with them)

There was no question that everyone was staring, but seriously: _everyone_ was staring. The redness found its way back to Toriel’s face and ears, she looked like she was about to cry or pop… or both. There was no hiding this: so she hissed at Asgore furiously, clenching her claws and looking like a tiger about to pounce him into tomorrow.

“What. Are you. **_DOING_ **HERE????” 

  
  


Asgore merely scoffed at her and answered that question in the ‘coolest’ but most stilted way possible. 

“Oh. I’m just. Here to uhh. _Save you._ From. This. _Numskull?-_ **Numbskull.”**

“ _What?!_ What is the matter with you! What are-”

But Sans interrupted her, directly challenging the bigger boss monster with a cocked smile and a sly attitude.

“save her from what? me showing her a good _time?_ i think the _bone-_ liness has gone straight to your head, **_old timer._ **”

“ **_Sans!_ ** What in stars are you _doing?!”_

No matter Toriel’s shocked cries, this situation was fast worsening. Sans and the king were throwing poorly crafted insults at each other like tomatoes while she sat there looking helpless. Grillby tried to alleviate some of the staring by taking the orders from all the staring patrons… but anywhere he went: they would lean over to look around him. 

Eventually, Asgore snapped his claws and gave Sans the ‘final word’. Sounding like he was fearfully reading lines from a playscript he’d just forgotten. He was also shaking like a dog, his tail was fully curled up.

“Alright, listen here **_Short-stack_ ** I’m going to give you to the count of ten to get your plain white tuchus outta here and **_skedaddle._ ** Or we’re about to have a **_skele-TON_ **of trouble!” 

“Asgore **_stop!-”_ **

Something flared in Sans’s eye, and he pounded the table with a closed fist.

“why wait that long? we’ll settle this outside, right now. winner gets her hand in **marrow-ge."**

“ **_What?!_ **SANS!-”

She was basically screaming, this was no longer a nightmare. This was her entire world turning completely insane! At this point, Toriel would’ve _easily_ crashed out of the window if she could move, but she was petrified.

With that, Sans threw off his coat (Revealing that he had just wearing his normal getup underneath everything, he couldn’t be bothered to actually change clothes) and leapt out of the booth to confront Asgore. 

“let’s rumble, big guy. have at you!”

The thing was… as soon as Sans stood up and approached him, Asgore took some steps back out of the clear intimidation. In fact… he took one step back too _many,_ because the _last_ one had him trip on the chains attached to his pants. Under normal circumstances, Asgore would’ve had a chance to get his balance back: but with how agonizingly tight these _pants_ were? 

‘ **_Timber’_ **

He toppled over like a domino and caught the edge of a table behind him! Half of it went down with him, but like a teeter totter: everything on the _other_ side of the table became airborne: Cups, plates, condiments, Fettuccine alfredo, Manicotti, Cobb salad… were all launched into the air and _then…_

**| |[STOP] | |**

* * *

  
  


To make any kind of sense of this, we’re going to have to go back a bit. Three days to be precise, we’re not going anywhere though. We’ll stay right in the restaurant. 

**< <[REWIND]<<**

On one of Sans’s early union regulated breaks, he arrived at his favorite place to come across a peculiar sight. The king of monsters had taken his spot at the counter and was working on his fifth helping of the new dessert menu. Sensing that something was troubling the big guy, Sans decided to sit in his _second_ favorite place right next to the old king.

“heard about the new dessert menu, huh?”

The king flinched strongly to his presence, perhaps he didn’t hear him come in? Perhaps it was for something _else_. Asgore would gain his composure though, while wiping a gratuitous amount of pie filling from his face. 

“They’re not the same… they don’t have her charm to them…”

“hmm, yeah. i know what you mean, they _do_ come pretty close though. everybody else seems to love em.”

Asgore just looked to him with a deep melancholy look.

“I suppose you _would_ ‘know what I mean’, Sans. You probably know very well by now…”

Awkward… it wasn’t really hostile or menacing, if anything it sounded like Asgore couldn’t be more sorry for himself. But he was alluding to something.

Sans just raised a brow?-

“riiiight.”

-and decided not to make eye contact any more. 

“well i’m glad she decided to share some of her recipes here, she seems glad too… from the looks of it, you as well.”

…

Asgore was still looking at him. Sans tried to think of something to say or just to resist the overwhelming urge to check and just look into that staring face again… But Asgore decided to advance the level of awkwardness to 2.5 Asgores (That’s 2.5 ala’s on the awkwardness scale for you).

“So how long have you been dating her?”

If Sans actually had any ketchup in his mouth, he would spit it all out. He almost sounded surprised though.

“ _dating her??”_

“Yes, my wi- my _ex_ wife.”

Asgore sounded simply _dead_ inside, raising the level to 3 ala’s.

Ever since the timeline anomalies ended and time moved only forward again. Sans would find himself in situations he’d no idea what to say. _This_ was **absolutely** one of those situations. Being accused of going out with the king’s wife was certainly a new one. 

“uhmm…” 

“It’s OK, Sans. I’m not angry or anything, I’m just…”

The saddest sounding sigh ever.

“I’m just happy she’s found someone again…” 

“ **_uhhhhhhhh….”_ **

Asgore started on something else to add to this, but Sans made the bold move to say something and stop this now before the whole world imploded from the awkwardness. 

“if i can interrupt you. you’re missing _one_ teeny little detail.”

It got Asgore to _stop_ which was the first objective, that was good. Sans would pinch his two digits together just to show how small of a detail it was… then he blurted it out.

“toriel and i are _not_ dating. like at _all.”_

With how discouraged Asgore looked to _see_ Sans, the skeleton wouldn’t have imagined his word to be taken so easily. It was just another surprise for him to see Asgore perk up like a dog discovering a stick. 

“Y- you’re not?” 

It was _news_ to him.

Sans shook his head and furrowed his brows? 

“no, not even a _little_ bit. we just like each others’ knock knock jokes… who told you we were moving to _stand up_ together?” 

There was little hesitation, Asgore reached into his robes and brought out his claim and proof, something that was absolutely covered in pink glitter. What was placed into Sans’s hands- it was a _tabloid_ magazine. 

This one was the third issue actually, created by no other than Mettaton himself to dominate the reading market. The cover was just a mess of overexposed and obviously doctored photos, all captioned in huge and rainbowy letters done in comic sans of all things. It was a eye hazard to say the least, and the multicolored letters made it very difficult to make out the _sensational_ stories such as.

  * **Top ten secrets the royal family DOESN’T want you to know!**


  *     * Number 5 will SHOCK you!


  * A human has fallen and has been secretly _LIVING_ among us.


  *     * Photos Revealed! 


  * Small Children Across the Underground SHANGHAIED into Royal Family!


  *     * How many Children will the Dreemurrs Adopt?



Sans’s “favorite” one was dead smack in the middle of the cover.

 **-Queen Toriel is** **_DATING_ ** **Someone?!**

  *     * **(Scandalous!!)**




And depicted beneath it was a badly edited picture of Asgore crying comedically while Toriel and a “mysterious” censored monster were making out in front of him. The issue was that the censor bar only covered Sans’s head and made it obvious it was _him_ in the picture… unless some _other_ monster shared his stature and fashion choices. 

Sans scoffed amusedly at it.

“my iconic slippers betrayed me yet again.” 

While this was actually funny, Sans just had to give Asgore a different kind of ‘funny’ look before once again raising a brow that he didn’t have.

“really now…?” 

“...What?”

“now, i don’t have a degree in _graphics design_ or anything like that, but shouldn’t i be on the ground in this photo? and not taking a chunk of my house with me from where i was cut and pasted?... you can actually see my bros foot too just behind my head.” 

_Now_ Asgore was getting it, he started to slump over: feeling quite silly about himself. Sans tried to perk him back up though.

“it’s a good picture though, don’t get me wrong.” 

He pushed the questionable news source **_Now with 20% LESS boring facts_ ** away and made an effort to sound more sincere. It was a thing he was working on, so people would trust him when he meant his words.

“she misses you too, yanno.”

_This_ was something Asgore had a little trouble believing-

“Is that _so_?”

-being that this sounded way too skeptical not to be rhetorical. 

“i’m serious.” 

Sans said. 

“And I’m Asgore, nice to meet you… but there’s no hope I’ll ever get her back. If anything, I think she’d prefer if I fell down.”

That was the most depressing dad joke ever. 

Sans wasn’t going to let Asgore keep this up though, he remembered that he could raise his voice a little bit just to add more assertion to what he wanted to say. The best part was, he didn’t even snicker at the joke: because this was more important. 

“no no, i know that she misses you just as much as you miss her.”

The big fuzzy lump was still convinced this was some kind of a joke, he actually put some agitation in that frown of his before looking Sans in the eyes. 

“And what makes you so sure of this?-”

Then a touch of hesitation before he changed his tone a bit.

“- has she _discussed_ this with you?”

A little hopeful sounding, if not pragmatic and doubtful.

“sorry, old man, but **no.** and i cannot say that i read it from a magazine that also said that i-eyyy-”

He flipped the tabloid over to read something equally ridiculous on the back.

“- **_was seen doing business in an alleyway with two scantily dressed ladies._ **”

The magazine put down for good (thankfully) and Sans turned back to Asgore.

“so i’m afraid i don’t have any credible sources to back me up, you’ll have to take my word on this. i pick up on things on people, its one of my. _talents._ the longer i know you, the more i can figure just by lookin acha.”

He gave Asgore a kind little wink.

“now i’ve known toriel for… a _while_ now. and one of the biggest things i can tell about her, is she’s hurting. you wouldn’t think so just meeting her and telling your worst jokes. but in light of everything that’s happened, she didn’t just lose her kids: she lost you as well… her son is back, but to her: the big goof she loved still hasn’t come back.”

Asgore went a little indignant.

“But I’ve _tried_ to come back into her life and she pushes me _away_ . She simply doesn’t _want_ me back.”

He was met with a stern look.

“she doesn’t want _you_ because you’re not the same person she fell in love with. to her, you’re someone she doesn’t even know. a _stranger._ she doesn’t want to try again with _you,_ she wants her husband back… and that’s why i could never even think about _dating_ her. besides, she’s one of my best friends and i wouldn’t want to change that.”

Sans rolled his eyes, something else floated to the surface.

“ _that._ and i just don’t have it in me to be in a relationship. i’d be more comfortable being able to step out and take breaks whenever i want… if anything, getting you back together would be good for _all_ of us- not that i don’t like hanging out with her, but sometimes it’s a little much when she doesn’t have anyone else, y’know?” 

Asgore took this and dwelled on it for a good ole moment. Somewhere during his thoughts, Sans must have reached behind the counter because when Asgore addressed him again, there was a half empty ketchup bottle in those boney hands. The big goat guy spoke once more, sounding like he had put the pieces together, albeit loosely. 

“So… _how._ Can I make her see her husband? Again?”

“heh, i’ve got an idea.”

Sans brought the bottle to his teeth.

  
  


**||STOP||**

* * *

So there we have it. When Toriel accused Sans of planning beyond her knowledge… there was more truth in that than she knew. All of this was scripted: from the gaudy getup to shameless one liners and pick up lines. The jacket was borrowed from Asgore’s adopted daughter, now she did offer an eyepatch to complete the ‘tough guy’ look but the ‘chain pants’ were quite enough. The idea for all of this was found on the cover for a VHS tape in the dump.

**HAPPY DAYS: SEASON 2**

There was a guy wearing a leather jacket, oozing suave charm and surrounded by ladies: it was a no brainer. 

The gist was that Sans would put the moves on Toriel and generally act like a creep but _then…_ her faithful husband would return from the dead and save the day with his confidence and _coolness._ See what I mean? **_No brainer._ **

Now Asgore wasn’t totally on board with all this, he had a _lot_ of doubts in the planning process. 

“If she wants the _old_ me back, why should I act like somebody I’m not?”

He’d say that and then follow it up with.

“This seems _dishonest…_ I do not think I am entirely comfortable with _lying_ to her.”

Then he’d shake his head.

“Plans like this are how I lost her in the first place… I do not want to do this…”

But then Sans would ask him the same question for all of these nay says. 

“don’t you want her back?”

Rhetorical questions really… 

**> >FAST FORWARD>>**

**3 DAYS LATER**

**(Back to the** **~~future~~ ** **uhh, present.)**

So here we are, still in the very same building. Asgore was stationed on a bench outside, concealed by a newspaper. His cue to come in was when Sans raised the ketchup bottle in the air.

“and you’ll kick the door open and say-”

“ _Hey._ You, **_bone.head!_ **Get away from my lady!”

Let’s see… Asgore’s performance was _stilted,_ his lines sounded phoned in, and that _improv_ with the jukebox? A swing and a **_miss._ ** Honestly it looked like he knew less of what was going on than Toriel did which meant that this plan was going… _absolutely perfect_ actually! 

Toriel was not the only boss monster being partially kept in the dark. See. Sans’s plan with her was just part of his plan with Asgore, but _that_ plan was just part of _his_ plan to get them back together by coming up with a plan that was doomed from the start. There was no way Asgore would accomplish anything but look like a huge fuzzy dork, and that was the _plan._ He wouldn’t plan on _that_ being the true face behind the plan Sans planned with him. All in all, Sans was running _three_ plans simultaneously, that was **5** more plans beyond his planned capacity to plan. 

**_ANYWHO…_ **

This was all going according to plan, according to Sans… _riiiiight_ up until Asgore _tripped_ on his own jeans. Everything on that table behind him, turned into ballistic projectiles before they all became part of Toriel’s attire. Everything landed on her with a _direct_ hit: adding a lovely _*_ **_SPLAT*_ ** to the end of the loud _*crash!*_ Asgore made. 

The entire room collectively gasped, the sound of a record being scratched ended the music coming from aloft. Asgore made a face denoting true terror and Sans? Both of his eyes shrank. Asgore, naturally _completely_ broke character and leapt to his feet in: gibbering a storm of frantic apologies. He ran to get some napkins and towels, not knowing that Grillby had seen the accident while serving table four and was on his way with the same idea in mind. It resulted in the boss monster _tackling_ the fire elemental to the ground: sending all of table four’s orders flying into the air and ultimately replenishing the food that Toriel just wiped off her face. 

Asgore didn’t even _notice_ that part and desperately scrambled to get off of Grillby, his size and lack of coordination caused him to uproot another table and send four helpings of nachos and fries Toriel’s way. And then _finally_ : all of the rapid movement and stress proved _too_ much for Asgore’s already ailing undersized jeans. He bent over to try and help Grillby up and **_*BOOM!*_ ** the pants _exploded_ like an overinflated tire. Bits of denim and chain shot everywhere like shrapnel and the button was a wild bullet ricocheting everywhere. At the end of its trajectory, the ballistic button took out the base of a _ceiling_ fan going at full speed: the spinning debris fell straight down and batted a bowl of noodles into ‘you know who’s’ face!

In the end, when the excitement finally calmed down: Toriel was wearing just about everything edible in the room. Asgore stood in the center of the destruction, a scared looking puppy wearing pink polka dotted shorts. All of the patrons had left while they still could, some of them were anxiously peeking through the front window. Grillby was among them, hiding behind one dog-like monster. Sans? He hadn’t moved from his spot besides Toriel but miraculously was _spotless._ His eyes had gone completely out though, he should have vanished but was petrified.

This was supposed to go wrong… but not **_THIS_ ** wrong. How could this disaster of a plan turn into an _actual_ disaster? No… this was a _cataclysm…_ but the worst part was yet to come and Sans would manage to ‘bump’ himself out of the destroyed room, out of the blast zone. 

Asgore was in a permanent stupor, still not comprehending what he just did… not fully. Not until he flopped to his knees and spilled the beans… OK yes, he already spilled the beans on Toriel, she had baked beans under her ears to go with the chili atop her head. Asgore blubbered _everything_ he knew to the motionless golem of food sitting in front of him. He may have been more sorry than he ever knew he could be, but that was going to pale in comparison to how sorry he was _about_ to be. 

The pile of food started to _rumble._ Asgore could see two _SEARING_ red suns glowing through the spaghetti and guacamole face mask. He could’ve ran… (Which would’ve been _way_ easier to do now that he wasn’t being constricted by those pants) but Asgore just stayed on his knees and closed his eyes: he accepted his fate. He could hear the sound of food slipping and hitting the floor as his doom slowly stood up from the booth _aaaand…_

**_*SNERK!*_ **

He heard _laughing._

She was laughing… Harder than Toriel had ever laughed before. So hard that she started crying, she just couldn’t contain herself. 

Asgore would hesitantly open his eyes just to see the tears rolling down the parts of her face he could still see. Toriel was laughing so hard that she had to sit down, onto a mustard bottle that fell over. It made an appropriate **_*PBHHHTT*_ **sound, which only made the laughing worse. Just when Toriel perhaps started to calm down, she took another look at the pantsless monster before her and fell over into the booth guffawing. 

In the end: there was no denying for her. **This was** **_*SO*_ ** **like him** . It took her a long time but Toriel would eventually stop laughing. It was either that or passing out. She looked to Asgore after parting the hotdogs from her head and just shook _her_ head playfully. 

“ _I_ am going. To take a bath-”

She finally said, still fighting the urge to giggle.

“-perhaps… _next time?_ You may put on pants that **_won’t._ **Explode?”

Asgore realized the actual invitation and he just _smiled_ and nodded all goofily.

Toriel would snort, and stroll out of the restaurant with a snicker or two in her step. All of the frightened monsters outside stared as she walked away, then looked at Asgore in amazement… mostly because he was still alive.

  
  


“...do you think we should’ve asked if she wanted a doggie bag?”

Sans came back, looking quite bewildered, shaken even.

“I don’t know.”

Said Asgore, in his happy little trance.

“I’m going to get another pair of pants…” 

Asgore went to leave the building as well but Grillby blocked his way, a broom in his outstretched flame. Asgore *gulped!* and looked over his shoulder.

_Somebody has to tend to this mess…_

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
